It rained on my birthday.
I've never had that happen before and I admit, I was thinking to myself "what did I do wrong this year?" for a hot second when I looked outside my window. Waking up as a 23 year old was hardly a riveting experience, but it did cause me to reflect for a moment. This was partly because I woke up in my childhood bedroom and had a moment of confusion and then a wave of nostalgia. So much has changed.
Then it made me realize, that's what the rain brings: growth and change. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a dock with suitcase in each hand, ready to step aboard this enormous ship called the "Adulthood". Sure, I've been faced with adult-like situations such as living alone, paying taxes, having a full time job, maintaining a career, planning a wedding, buying a house, etc. But now it is all becoming so real and I'm half excited and half terrified. Actually that's a lie, I'm mostly excited.
Maybe I'm growing up too fast. I spent 3 years after high school living at home, and then I turned 21 and my life kick-started into gear and now I'm going 1000 mph. And I like it. It's been a hell of a ride.
Now in front of me I see this massive opportunity to actually "make it" as a composer. So many opportunities have come my way and I want to take advantage of all of them. After going through my finances last week and cracking down on my 401k and student loans, the future doesn't seem all that terrifying, especially since I'll have my (soon to be) husband to support me and a gorgeous house to live and work in.
In my last post, I mentioned I was going through a negative phase, but the thunder and lightening on my birthday was almost telling me, "Snap out of it! You've got work to do!" I could tell I was feeling better, especially when my parents gave me the most beautiful music history book I have ever seen and I was glued to it's pages immediately. I'm hungry for music and hungry for work. I want to dive back in and study like my life depends on it (because it does). And not because I've got to be that straight-A student; I could care less about that. I've got to learn the ways of the masters and then figure out what I can bring to this long lineage of rich history. All I want is to be respected for the work I do. I don't need fame or celebrity status, but I want to earn the respect of musicians around the world, and I'm not going to get there if I'm feeling down and intimidated by the future.
As I boarded the ferry on Sunday night after driving through the traffic and the thunderstorms, the wind was coming in fast and the clouds looked incredible. The sky was chaotic and beautiful, and I could hear the music coming from the clouds and the ocean. In reality, yes, it was coming from my crazy head. But I took this year's weather as a good sign.
This ride has only just begun.