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Let This Be the Beginning

So this is going to sound a little dramatic, but lately I’ve felt like I’ve “let myself go”. Sure, I’ve developed a healthy laundry and makeup brush cleaning routine and I shower plenty and I make sure to take my makeup off before bed, but I still sit for hours in front of a screen. This means I barely eat because I can’t be bothered to get food until the job’s done, then when I do it’s a huge amount and then I sit for even more hours not moving, not stretching, and not exercising.

About three weeks ago the worst thing happened. Someone asked me “when my babies were coming”. They assumed I was pregnant. I’m the furthest thing from pregnant right now; children are practically on my “never do” list.

First of all, I was pissed. Who assumes a woman is pregnant? Isn’t that like the most dangerous conversation starter? Haven’t we all learned this watching those hilarious sitcoms on TV? NO ONE SHOULD DO THAT?!

Then of course, I was crushed. Was I really that overweight?! I know I’ve been far less active since I got married and haven’t made the best eating choices, but had it really gotten that bad? I never in a million years thought someone would ask me that! I’m a skinny girl, right?

After that I knew I had to get back to the gym; I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to actually motivate me.

I was still stuck with this idea that my trainers would make fun of me since I hadn’t been in their class for months. I was still scared to work out by myself. I was still worried that I should be working instead of spending time at the gym. I was still convinced I didn’t look that bad and that I should just move on from that comment.

Then last night happened.

I’m editing footage of me and my friend doing my most recent skit and it goes to the wide shot. My mouth drops open. My stomach is reaching further out than I’ve EVER seen before. It didn’t even look like me.

I sat there gaping as the tears started rolling down my face. How did I let this get so bad? Again I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Mortified.

But then I remember something important: I am in control. There is no one to convince me to change this behavior except me. I am the ONLY thing holding me back from the body I want. Oh and boy do I want it! I see myself as that fit, gorgeous, perfectly toned performer with the long dark hair and sexy, confident bod!

Yesterday was a nasty wake up call, but it really wasn’t THAT awful. I’m young and I still have time to change my habits. Honestly, just a little work and I’ll probably be back to my ideal weight again.

Lately I’ve had this weird mantra that I’ve said whenever I do something important.

Let this be the beginning.

I muttered this when I got my passport photo taken. I say this when I post a new vlog or music video. I was saying it today on the treadmill when I finally ran for the first time in over six months.

Let this be the beginning.

What does that mean? Well to me, it means that I want to look back on right now and say “that was the time that my life turned around and my dreams and goals were achieved”. I want to remember this time as a time of hustle and hard work and the beginning of the rest of my life.

I want to travel. I want to perform. I want to be heard. I want to succeed. I want to be known. I want to be looked up to. I want to have a kick ass body that I’m proud of.

The time is right now. Get on that treadmill, press go, and start running.

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