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"Think of Me"

If any of my readers watch my vlog channel, you know I’m definitely into astrology and horoscopes. I’ve checked mine every day for as long as I can remember. I do realize how stupid and ridiculous it may seem sometimes but honestly, it provides me with a lot of self reflection and opens my attention up to things I may have neglected otherwise. I just think it’s useful to have another perspective on your own life, and at the very least it can provide a laugh when it’s totally bogus.

Anyway, today I stumbled on my weekly horoscope in one of my snapchat stories (follow me! @smashingivory) and it provided a funny perspective on the days ahead.

Next week I’m going to VidCon. Correction: THIS week I’m going to VidCon. Wow. I’m super excited and stressed about performing and it really hasn’t hit me yet that I get to FINALLY do this! The horoscope I read this morning offered this advice:

“Get some rest this week and take some time off work.”

Upon reading this I laughed hysterically. Take a week off? Yeah right! This is one of the most important weeks of my year!

Then it followed up with this… warning I guess?

“Something is going to change drastically this week causing you to say goodbye to a childish time in your life. The change is going to be hard, but it is absolutely necessary that you accept this change and move on to this new phase”.

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!

I’m so ready to move on. I’m ready to get past college and make-believe and rise up in the world of music and creativity. I’m ready to work full time and have expectations on me and pressures of running my channels online as a social media influencer and content creator. At this point I feel like I wouldn’t even be mourning the loss of the life I have been so comfortably living! Bring it on!

There’s of course no way of knowing how it actually would feel to suddenly change my life in such a way where I had to say goodbye; there’s also no way of knowing if that’s actually going to happen! But who knows? I have plenty of opportunities this week to make a real statement and become more visible!

This week on my music channel I released a cover of “Think of Me” from The Phantom of the Opera. This song is gushy, romantic on a surface level, but that’s not why I enjoy the song. I personally love this moment in the musical because Christine goes from being a ballerina dancing in the background to being propelled into the spotlight as the lead soprano. All of a sudden, she’s staring at the faces in the crowd and she’s completely happy and excited by this new challenge, and her life is forever changed.

I’ve been singing this song for many years. On one such occasion, I was actually performing a medley of Phantom that I arranged for a piano recital that began with this song.

I completely bombed the performance.

I got lost multiple times, started from the beginning again and again and my mind kept drawing blank. FINALLY I made it through the piece and had a good cry in the bathroom immediately after walking offstage. I was mortified by my performance, and I wasn’t done. I had to go back on stage and perform another piece, and thankfully, I played it perfectly and that’s what people remembered from the evening. It took me years to finally force myself to watch that video and revisit my love for Phantom.

So now almost 8 years later, I release my first public performance of that song. This week I had another live performance; and I completely bombed that one too! It was like the same nightmare again: losing my place, drawing blank, getting embarrassed and flustered, then coming back and performing again perfectly in the same evening!

My point is: I’m still learning as a musician and a performer, but I have this child-like hope that like Christine in Phantom, I’ll perform one day and get discovered. I want to be propelled into that spotlight and have it change the course of my life. Leaving behind the amateur performances and concerts and moving on to an audience of millions is my dream, and I know the only way to achieve it is to keep sticking my neck out there and getting in front of an audience.

This week I’m performing on stage at VidCon and it could go really well or terribly or be anything I want it to be. I have a fantastic opportunity that might even have the small chance of changing my life. How exciting! It has come after walking away from bad experiences with my head held a little higher and fewer tears. It has come after trying again and again to get better at my craft and dare to be more creative and more imaginative and more ridiculous.

It will come at a price of leaving behind the world I know.

I think with a little bit of rest and a lot of practice, this little spark could light a bonfire.

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