“Before You Answer to Your Boss, Answer to Your Inner BAWSE”
- Lilly Singh, How to Be A BAWSE
I’m sitting on another flight to San Francisco, and I can’t believe I’m saying that.
Just over 5 months ago I accepted another job; something I promised myself I wouldn’t do again. But times were desperate. We needed the money, I needed structure, and my husband was thrilled that I had something we both could depend on. Plus it was a job around social media and makeup! What could be better?!
Honestly, it’s been wonderful. I’ve traveled more in the last 5 months than in the last 3 years. I get to work with an exciting, growing team of people from across the continent. I’m secured in a position that involves online content, social media, the latest trends in beauty and fashion and I feel respected and valued every day by my new peers. It’s been a strange year, and I realize I’m filling you in at this moment after almost a YEAR of not writing on this blog.
Seriously; shame on me!
And now I found myself about to embark on a NEW blog. That’s crazy! What kind of track record do I think lies behind me? I’m TERRIBLE at maintaining consistent content! Just look at my YouTube channels! They’re deader than my neighborhood graveyard! (Yes… I live right by a graveyard).
This new blog is a big task. I see it taking off and becoming some kind of awesome magazine with a unique source and an exciting trajectory for a happy, positive, perfect audience. Doesn’t that sound great?
Meanwhile I’m getting like… SO inspired trying to listen to my audio books and buying new swords and performing music and scripting content and planning and planning planning planning planning…..
But where’s the evidence?
What has actually been happening?
The simplest way I can describe it is that in getting bogged down, I lost the spark. Those aren’t even my words - that’s what my husband said. That’s when I knew I was in trouble
For as long as I can really remember, I’ve wanted some level of attention and fame. I’ve wanted success that looks like wealth and carefree vacations without guilt and being seen with the best of the best people. I’ve wanted to leave a big, sparkly, loud stamp somewhere in this universe loudly proclaiming “I WAS HERE”.
I felt this desire the first time I went on stage at Benaroya Hall. I cried these loud, ugly tears in the car ride back from meeting Lilly Singh and feeling like I made a fool of myself. I strangled it with my angry fists when I sat alone and upset after a disappointing day at VidCon last year. I closed my eyes and felt it when I finally finished directing the PBS show I directed last August. I pretended I was living it when I walked through Hogsmeade last year with my sister in California. I truly believed I was taking one step closer to it when I signed my contract in December and then felt it slip away when my computer refused to wake up.
It’s been a lot this year.
I’ve felt pretty lost and confused at times but I really haven’t admitted that maybe I’M the real problem. Me. Solely responsible for my own failures. Ouch.
I’ve been told I over-analyze myself. I’ve been told that I’m wildly successful and that I should feel incredibly proud of everything I’ve done. I’ve been drowned with the idea of my “talent” since I can remember.
“You’re too hard on yourself”.
Talent doesn’t mean success. Being satisfied means never striving for better. Feeling proud is a false security.
I’ve got work to do.
It started (and failed) with a closer look at how I create my schedule. I’ve told people my whole adult life that “If I have two days in a row that are the same I start feeling trapped,” and then continued with my unproductive ways.
That’s no way to solve a problem.
I reformulated and planned and got it down to exactly what I wanted but haven’t quite mastered living it yet. I’ll get there. “Practice”. Practice is really the key to everything, isn’t it? TwoSet Violin is on to something…
I’ve grown too comfortable letting my “hours” determine everything. “Oh I’ve worked my allotted 6 hours now I can laze around and relax and do nothing!” Yeah… and now I’m gaining weight, losing creativity and motivation and disappointing pretty much everyone.
I have this fanciful idea in my head about the person I am and the audience I’m entertaining with ZERO evidence of that existing.
Sure… I own swords, but can I use them? No.
Sure… I can make myself look pretty but do I take care of myself properly? No.
Sure… I want to be a perfect balance between Snow White and Cersei Lannister but am I really giving that vibe? No.
Sure… I think I’m a talented musician with standout ideas and lots of talent but am I really showcasing those abilities and giving anyone any ounce of reason to really care? No.
I’m re-listening to How To Be A BAWSE by Lilly Singh… as in today I used my Audible Credit and started listening to it and I’m already at Chapter 9. She said the quote above and it really resonated with me.
“Before You Answer to Your Boss, Answer to Your Inner BAWSE.”
I’ve forgotten how to answer to my inner Bawse. Lately, I’m only concerned with answering to my current boss or disappointing my bossy self. I’m all too eager to act like I know what being a boss is without thinking about what the WHOLE POINT of this silly thing called life is supposed to be for me.
I don’t want to survive life - I want to conquer it.
I’ve got this audio book and I’ve got a membership for a yoga class and an “I’m Awesome” Journal and I’m going to VidCon in just a couple weeks and plenty of performance opportunities in the meantime. I’ve got plenty of excuses to “wait to be inspired”.
But that CAN’T be the answer anymore. What would my inner BAWSE say?
She’d say “You’re fired”. Ouch.
She expects me to deliver; to find inspiration in all things and work tirelessly to make success happen because hard work is the ONLY WAY IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.
And who am I kidding myself?! I’m not working hard, I’m just working and my wheels are spinning! I’m literally moving NOWHERE. What a joke.
Ok, maybe that’s like a teensy bit harsh in some respects but that doesn’t mean I have plenty to get a move on. Action is the key to this whole thing. I can plan and plan and plan all damn day but I actually have to MOVE and take action.
And when all is said and done, I have to ask my inner Bawse if it’s good enough.
But I already know the answer.
It’s never enough. Keep going. Keep working.
Keep conquering. :)
I mentioned TwoSet Violin. When you aren’t practicing the art of conquering life, go watch their channel then get back to practicing.
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