I was thinking February was supposed to be a month of increased production and better results.
I thought it was going to be a month about finding and exploring my artistic influences.
I thought it was going to be some picturesque, black and white romantic super-8 film of my sister and my adventures in a far away city having glamorous adventures.
So far, February has reminded me that I’m trying to be an entrepreneurial artist, not just a creator. In other words, I’m trying to create a business. I had totally forgotten the business part of this.
February snowed me stuck in my house for a week and instead of using that time to be incredibly productive, I resorted to my basic hibernation instincts and lost any motivation to create or be productive or even be lazy.
Laziness, (video games, a movie, etc.) sounded like too much to think about.
That’s a whole new low for me.
My sister and I are sitting in a New York Starbucks as I’m writing this and we’ve spent the last 5 hours in coffee shops trying to kill time before we check in to our rental apartment for the week and promptly sleep away our first afternoon. My makeup has all but completely rubbed off, I’ve got dried out skin from my long plane ride and I feel anything but glamorous.
How did this happen?
Probably just the laws of life I guess. Things never go the way you planned. That’s been my hardest lesson that kicks me when I’m down again and again and again and again.
I’ve gotten much better at accepting things when they go differently from what you’ve planned but I’m still surprised at how far off the rails I can find myself.
If I’m honest, none of these resolutions are negative. I needed to remember that I’m running a business. The snow storm brought our neighborhood together and now we actually know who lives up the street from us because we blocked everyone from leaving our shared driveway, (thanks for helping us out of the ditch, neighbors!) I get to have one of the most satisfying naps of my life in a cool little NYC apartment and wake up to Chinese takeout and a sister fac-mask/refresh night together with my best friend.
I have it pretty damn awesome.
February was filled with expectation and what resulted was a realistic solution. Solutions are how we actually accomplish our dreams and goals. Coming to terms with reality is how we progress. Sometimes those lessons can be filled with pain and suffering and sometimes they’re just a little inconvenient.
This month, I think I got really lucky (in the grand scheme of things).
I sat down to write this in yet another coffee shop because I wanted to get my feelings out of my head so I could stop over-thinking them and I could have something to do for a half hour and what has resulted is a therapeutic projectile vomit of words.
Sometimes, it just feels better if you throw up and get ride of all the crap you’re holding inside of you.