I’ve had a couple of strange months.
2019 has been especially transformative. I went from feeling insecure about my career to believing I found the answer to getting derailed again and again and again to finally come to the conclusion that maybe I was putting too many obstacles in my own way.
It started in a foundation of frustration that had all the makings of a new beginning.
It was a new beginning. It was the beginning of the end -
and a beginning that had to start with goodbye.
Put in plain terms, I got sick. I was forced to slow down again and I was incredibly pissed off about it.
What was worse is the nagging feeling persisted that I had done this for the thousandth time and maybe that meant I was doing the wrong thing with my life.
I’ve been given an incredible opportunity to make the absolute most of my time being creative.
Much like when someone is faced with a huge list of possibilities and is overwhelmed to the point of not choosing any of them, I was set free and crippled by the immense opportunity I discovered I had.
I had to do some really hard processing and thinking about what exactly I wanted
like… what I truly wanted
This tiny voice in my head grew louder and louder and it said -
“Drop what you’re doing, you can focus on your work now.
Focus on your highest calling because what you’re doing is not that.
It’s a distraction.”
I was terrified of this voice as it grew louder and more insistent in my head.
I tried to argue with it, I tried to downplay it, I tried to compromise with it and even now, I can’t believe I finally listened to it.
But I have listened to it.
I’ve come to terms with the reality of what I am really being called in this life to do and…
...it’s not just making youtube videos.
It’s not creating “content”.
I went to school to write music; to make my own music and to share my voice.
I learned how to do that so I could amplify a film, write the music for a play or a musical, or have a piece premiered by a chamber orchestra.
The point is, I learned how to write my music.
Ever since leaving college, I put everything I learned toward making other people’s music or sharing the history about other people’s art or vlogging about what my life was like making other people’s art or seeing other people’s performances.
I lost the drive to make anything original.
I think it was partly because making original music is vulnerable and scary sometimes and the overwhelming sense that you’ll never be good enough is a lot harder to bear when everything rests on your confidence of your own work.
It was easier putting on a mask or a costume and adopting other people’s characters for a while.
The stakes were a lot lower.
But it was time to say goodbye.
I kept finding reasons to stall working or to give myself the excuse to not be as productive as I wanted.
I kept allowing things to frustrate me and to throw me off and then I turned the blame on myself but not in like a self-aware, helpful, realistic way but in a “woe is me, I’m trying to figure it out by forcing it to happen but life just keeps getting in the way” type of mentality that was sending me in circles.
No doubt, if you’re reading and you’ve read my other blogs, you know that things have changed around here.
I’m here than I’m gone then I’m here again and then gone; inconsistent.
And now, I really have only one reason to keep working on this blog:
I enjoy blogging and this is a platform in which to share blogs.
Blogs here have always been about my life and they will continue to be.
I might blog about an experience - like publishing my first single track
I might blog about my training - like learning to sword fight or defend myself
and I might not blog at all.
I might just be ok with living for now. Living for MY work.
So sure, I could address the last few months as if they were two mentors in my life who showed the way just as January and February did, but honestly, they’re just months, not people.
They’re just moments in time that I hope to look back on as the weird, uncomfortable transition period that led me to a better direction.
These blogs make me sound super moody and angry all the time but honestly, I have the greatest life.
I am so free to be exactly who I want and I’ve been getting to know myself in a much deeper way.
It’s probably not relatable and I doubt it’s very interesting but it’s only a beginning.
It’s time to leave it all behind and it’s time to become who I’m meant to be.
If you want to be a part of my disorganized, chaotic artistic journey, I’d love it if you kept your eye out for more on here.
I'll be back when it feels right.
Until then, thanks for reading.