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The Competitive Drive

Today I finally finished re-designing my website. Over the last couple of weeks I probably spent close to 40 hours working on it, usually sacrificing sleep, food, showers, and chores. Working for myself really puts the hours I spend on my career into perspective. The longer I put off a task, it feels like money flying away, versus thinking "well at least I'm still clocked in". There's no down time when working as an entrepreneur, you're either 100% or 0%. I think I really prefer it this way.

A habit I've picked up is watching quite a lot of YouTube. With the new year, there's been a lot of "feel good" videos being published about following dreams and success and resolutions and what-not. It was quite motivating at first, just for the sake of promoting positive attitude. Now though, it feels more like competition. I see these content creators making videos every single day and I wonder how on earth I could keep up? And do I even want to? The truthful answer is: no. I want to have the time to put effort into my videos and get other things done in my life. I also want a LIFE, and not one lived through a camera lense.

The thing that really gets to me (especially tonight for some reason) is that I could; I could knock out a video every single day and show my singing/composing/editing/musical/graphic/directing/producing talents and the views would start flying in. I could narrate my entire existence and make it witty and funny and interesting to some audience on the internet and sing Disney covers and make up lyrics and write songs on a ukulele or a piano or a guitar or whatever. I can be whatever I want.

I'm at an interesting point in my composition career. I think I'm finally making the choice of which direction I'd like to go in as an artist. I'm not interested in limiting myself, and I'm not interested in spending time and money in places that don't give much in return. I want to meet serious artists who create and collaborate and pay me well because they see the effort I put into projects. I don't just offer 100%, I give 110%.

I've always been an all-or-nothing kind of person. I deal in extremes. If I'm going to do something, I might as well be the best or else, what's the point? Some call this obsessive or perfectionist or unhealthy or well... extreme. I prefer to think I'm just a little competitive.

So what does that mean for the future Carly Ann? Well, I'm going to keep accepting projects that test me, and then knock them out of the park. I'm going to keep making covers online, and I'm going to make them look like I have a crew working for me night and day to get them looking so good. I'm going to keep getting straight A's and planning the perfect wedding and working out to create my perfect body and love my perfect family and fiance. And if I screw up?

Failure is another stepping stone to success, and I'm going to get there first.


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